5 movies from the B

KillerKlowns

5) Killer Klowns from Outer Space. Reserved for B movie nights and times when you can’t get your guests to leave.
4) Robot Jox. This movie was so bossome (so boss it’s awesome) that the giant robot genre was restricted to anime for the next decade or so.
3) Tremors II. I will argue it is the best Tremors. They tried hard to give that 60’s/70’s monster feel, but not too hard that this movie gained any real respect or acclaim. Worth a watch
2)The Brain Machine. Actually the worst movie I’ve ever seen. So bad I’ll just tell so you don’t have to watch it. It is about a computer that is so powerful it can tell when you’re lying. It explodes when it cannot reconcile mortality with irrational fear. No shit, this is actually a movie.
1)Army of Darkness. Did you really see this list ending any other way?

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Attack on Titan – The motion picture

We all know this shit is terrible. At first I wanted to believe that AoTTmP was crap in the same way that Yamato was inferior to the anime, but I learned it was more like a WWZ.
AoTTmP was so bad we started playing a game part way through called “Attack on Hogwarts”, A ‘what if’ scenario where Harry Potter was treated like this and here is what we came up with:
-Nobody casts a spell for the first 3 books
-Quirrel is introduced at the end, where we find out he is a bad guy, and the twist has no impact whatsoever.
-Instead of broomsticks, everyone uses a personal helicopter.
-Ron has black hair and eats ginger roots all the time because he is the ‘ginger kid’.
-Hogwarts uses muggle technology because like fuck it.
-Instead of 4 wizard houses, everyone is in the same house but gets to pick their t-shirt.
-Harry’s mother and father were not killed, he never had any. Hermione raised him from an egg.
-Wizards come from eggs
-Hermione dies at the train station and Harry has to get good at studying.
-Hermione comes back in the 7th book and she’s a ninja.
-Snape is a bro who pounds Red Bull and loves killing wizards chicks. He totally banged Hermione while she was dead.
-Wizard politics do not exist. Period. There is ‘ministry of magic’ building, but it is empty.
-Harry and Ron look exactly the same.

We have pages of these.

IMDB score -2/10 for breaking my heart.

The Floating Castle

Twas my Birthday shortly before this writing, and the Japanese Consulate was kind enough to treat the general populous to a series of movies that showcase Japanese culture. Rather than informing the Japanese government that we’re already pretty fond of Nippon we decided on a free movie. ‘The Floating Castle’ is a war comedy, and while not unique is delightfully charming. It is very loose drama revolving around the Siege of Odawara.

Youtube is down at this time, so we’re going to have to grunt this. No apologies. There are some glaring anachronisms I need to plough through before I can advise enjoying this flick. First, they try to play the siege off like a Japanese Thermopylae which in reality it was not: It was 3:2 and Hojo had a castle. Second, no fucks are given by the retainers for their Daimyo which was odd but ok. What irked me, and again if you can get past these things you will have a good time, but what irked me the most was seeing the Takeda Clan at this battle of 1590 where the Takedas were dispersed in 1582 by Nobunaga. Pisses me off.

That aside, IMDB score 9/10. What can I say, I have a soft spot for a good Samurai flick, and pee jokes are funny.

Conan the Barbarian

So I came across Arnie doing a zombie flick and I got thinking “When was the last great Arnie Flick?”. I had to go pre-governator for this one. Sure Predator had its charms, but nothing makes me smile like Conan. The low budget epic tale about a man who seeks to be King by his own hand. To get you in the mood, please enjoy Little Conan’s story of origin. Thank you FilmSpetre for knowing what is best in life.

The rest of this movie is about that little boy growing up in a violent reality under promise that he will never see his home or his people again. We meet Khans, thieves, giant snakes, and the plucky town guard. This is a tale of Kings and Wizards. The blood is thick.

Normally I do not go on for this long, but I need to point out that the director that gave us The Barbarian worked on Apocalypse Now and Red Dawn. The jerk that made the Destroyer did Soylent Green. Nothing against people food, but we can see the difference. You need to know this because the upcoming Conan flick pretends the Destroyer did not happen, just like I did.

IMDB Score 09/10. Solid Action, has tits, and avoid the HD remake if you can as it has a different ending from the original.